Hello,
I wanted to start this blog as I journey through this thing called Motherhood. Let me start off with a brief introduction.
My name is Alexandra, I'm currently 36 as of writing this. I was born at 23 weeks, and weighed 610g. I now have my own daughter. I have a genetic disorder called Neurofibromatosis. I can go into that more later, and may have to if my daughter ends up having it too. I may add more to my story later on if anyone is interested. Feel free to drop any questions for me.
So, probably the main reason you're here...my daughter. Her name is Matilda "Tilly" I gave birth to her January 17th. She came out really small at 4lbs, 10oz. For a first time mom, I'm told I had an easy delivery. I wasn't allowed an epidural...due to the Neurofibromatosis. I have tumors on my spine...again feel free to ask questions. I was told I was in hard labor for about 8 hours. But let me back up some.
I was induced at 37+2. I knew my OB had put me off work, and I was going to have a scheduled induction. It was supposed to be near where I live, but was told to wait for a call. I got the call the next day around 12. I had people over helping me clean, as I just wasn't able to myself. I was heavily pregnant, and super sore. I get the call, and I'm told to go to a larger city about an hour away. I asked when, she says "now". So we have to drop everything, and leave. I get up to the hospital in the big city. I'm eventually brought to a room, and from what I remember things are explained to me. I was told I'd get an MRI first. They wanted their own test done to see if I could have an epidural since that was the whole reason for me going there. The hospital near me didn't feel it was safe enough. So I'm getting this MRI, and to anyone who has never had one, let me tell you be glad. They are not fun. You have to lay very very still, you are not allowed to move. This may sound crazy, but I try to focus on a random spot on the top of the inner part of the machine. It helps me focus to stay still. The techs said they wish all patients were like me. After the test, I'm waiting in my room. I turn on some true crime, and I believe at this time I'm allowed to eat. I do apologize as part of my memory is fuzzy, and you'll understand why later. I order some food, eat, and wait. I'm told I cannot have an epidural. But if I need a C-Section, I can't eat either. That's why I believe I was told to eat now. I do as I'm told.
Now this is where things get real fuzzy. I remember there being about a 13 hour gap where nothing happens. I'm waiting, and waiting. By this point i'm hungry again, probably for obvious reasons. I ask for a shower, and something to eat because it had been forever with nothing happening. They say yes, because by the time I may need a C-Section enough time would pass. I shower,eat, and wait. I'm then told they weren't going to induce me until morning. I'm of course pissed because why did they tell me all that just to have to wait again. I think this is when they broke my water. The only thing I fully remember is pacing back and forth with contractions coming. It was so incredibly painful. At some point they move me to a room with a tub. I'm told I cannot give birth in the tub, but I can use it as an aide to help drop the baby further. I try that, then back to pacing. I even try the ball to sit on. I remember being in the bed, and they were going to try the tub again, but told me no, because I was too far dilated. Being told to push, and hold my legs back was difficult, and I don't think the stirrups were up right away in the bed. I was squeezing my moms have. But she kept turning away for whatever reason. She's in a wheelchair, so idk what she was doing. But I remember banging on the bed rails for her hand again. Since the handlebars weren't in the bed I was squeezing her hand due to the pain. I also was squeezing the nurses, but once the handlebars were up on that side I chose the bar. I didn't want to break the nurses hand. I found out later, I almost broke my moms. I was told to push, and push, and push. I remember screaming for the vacuum, or the C-Section because it hurt so much. With not being allowed an epidural what do you expect?
The nurse or doctor, I'm not sure who kept telling me push, I was as hard as I could but it was so painful. But then at some point they said she was coming out. But...she kept wanting to go back in. I was told she had a head full of hair and they kept playing with it. Maybe to humor me so I would push harder to get the child out. Eventually my daughter popped out. She was placed on my chest. I knew there was more, but at that moment my mind freaked out a bit like "wait, there's another?" no, it was the placenta. Which honestly I think almost hurt more, than the baby itself. I remember them asking me questions due to her weight, and being sent to the NICU. I was sent upstairs where mom, and baby normally go. I know at some point being told I was put on Mag. I think the Mag is the reason I don't remember a whole lot. my memory is so spotty. I was on Mag for at least 24 hours. I could not walk, talk, or do anything right. it was very labored. My mother kept going to the NICU to see the baby while I stayed in my room not being able to even care for myself. At some point, still uneasy from the Mag was told if I wanted to see my daughter. Of course I did. I went to see her, and she is beautiful. She was so so small. I was asked to hold her, and of course I did. I was still scared due to her size, but I held her.
He father...unfortunately never came to see her. Before you ask, yes he knows about her. He is choosing not to see her. Choosing his friends, and alcohol over his daughter, over me. He was even doing that when we were together, but that's a whole other beast. He just doesn't know what he's missing in her. Sure sleepless nights, but seeing a beautiful tiny human grow, and learn. It's a wonderful thing.
I know I had to go home for some appointments once I was discharged. It was so hard leaving my little girl. But I was only gone for about a day. I then went back up to the NICU, and fortunately I could stay in the room with her. It was incredibly uncomfortable. After a week alone in the NICU, I went home again, and grandma came up. We had another night in the NICU, then finally got in at the Ronald McDonald House. It was nice to have an actual bed. The main unfortunate thing, besides having to drive to the hospital we were at, as the people at the time that were staying above us were loud. Around 10 at night they were up to what sounded like dancing, and moving furniture. I also couldn't find Discovery ID, and really wanted some true crime. I ended up finding discount Discovery ID. It was a channel called True Crime Network. It was ok, some of the shows I knew, some I didn't. The first night was fine, the second night the channel had sound issues to where the voices didn't match the words. Nothing was synced up. The third night. well, there was no sound at all. I even tested all the other stations, and the sound was totally broken on the True Crime Network. I have no idea what happened.
Well, we finally got to go home, on Super Bowl Sunday. She had the pediatrician the next day anyways.
Since we've been home, we've had quite a few doctor visits, and tests. She has some issues we are trying to figure out. It's been difficult for me, but I'm taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. Some nights are sleepless, some nights I fall asleep, and she's crying. I make sure all her needs are met, but sometimes I just haven't been able to soothe her. I'd rather her fall asleep crying, than me risk dropping her while rocking her.
It's difficult as a single mom. Sure I have some help from some friends, and family, but to me it's just not the same as if my partner was here. Unfortunately I've heard stories of people having their partner, and they're still told to do everything by themselves. I don't understand it. It is not an easy task as it is, and it's even harder to do it alone.
I will do everything I can for Tilly, I know I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to, or wont try to. I will do the best that I can, and hope she understands. I hope to keep this blog up, and update on our journey, and adventure into single motherhood. The good, and the bad, and everything in-between.
Some advice I'll take, some I'll leave. I've already had to tell people who are helping some of their advice I don't like, and I hope they listen when watching my child again. Just because they've raised kids before doesn't mean they know what's best for my child, and what I want for my child.
I hope to learn so many things along the way, as I enter this stage of Mommying Matilda
I also have a cat, and I will mention him frequently here. His name is River, he is my first baby. I love cats, always have always will. I love love cats. As I'm trying to compose this first entry over a cup of coffee before the baby wakes up, he's been meowing. He's quite the talker. I guess I could st
